Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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