i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
