I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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