Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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