I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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