god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
