You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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