Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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