I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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