you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
