its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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