I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
