You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
