Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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