All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
