So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
