chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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