I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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