My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
