On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
