why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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