remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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