mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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