I'm eating all of the evidence.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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