the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize