I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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