Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
