o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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