Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
