someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
