Just cropdusted the office
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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