I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize