I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
