nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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