Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
