She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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