Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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