I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
