No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
