Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
