What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize