Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
