also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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