youre lurking in front of me
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
