he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
