her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
