Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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