Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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