Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
