I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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