I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
