when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
