Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
