if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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