Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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