Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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