I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
