There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
