You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
