I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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